widescreen – Balls of Fury bombs


This week, instead of doing a straightforward review of Rogue Pictures new comedy, Balls of Fury, weve taken a different approach. What follows is what we believe the discourse was like in the Rogue Pictures boardroom last Christmas Eve, as the executives decided whether or not to greenlight the film.

Executive 1: Well, before we go for the holiday, we need to decide whether or not to greenlight this ping-pong comedy script, Balls of Fury.

Executive 2: Who wrote it?

Executive 1: Uh, some guys from that television show Reno 911. I think they also wrote Herbie Fully Loaded.

Executive 3: Well, do we have any films on the slate for the end of next August to, you know, offset any profits next year, tax-wise?

Executive 1: Not yet.

Executive 3: Well, then, lets …

Executive 2: Hold on, whats this about?

Executive 1: Uh, lets see: Some guy named Randy Daytona loses a ping-pong championship as a kid, and then gets recruited by the FBI years later to compete in an underground tournament hosted by a crime lord that turns out to be the man that killed the kids father.

Executive 2: No, seriously, whats it about? I want to get home.

Executive 1: Im serious, thats the premise in a nutshell.

Executive 2: Man, thats thats   horrible, we cant make this, not even for an August release.

Executive 3: Well, what if we get some big-name star to play the crime lord? Say, Christopher Walken?

Executive 2: Then it would be a stupid Christopher Walken movie.

Executive 1: Nah, come on, this could work. We get Walken, get the rights to a bunch of Def Leppard tunes for this Randy character to air guitar to during the movie, use in the trailer people will flock to the theater.

Executive 2: Guys, seriously, this sounds terrible. Why would we

Executive 1: Come on, table tennis is real big in Asia, especially in China, so the ethnic jokes and intended sports cliches will go over really well. Got the male genitalia humor covered by the title. Heck, I think there is even some run-of-the-mill gay jokes … somewhere [flips through script].

Executive 2: Unless Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote this, I really dont see how
Executive 3: Is there a role for a hot Asian chick? If we could get Maggie Q to play it, we might be on to something.

Executive 2: … Maggie Q is pretty hot … and talented.

Executive 1: Yeah, yeah, then all we would need is a good lead and co-star to play the FBI agent helper guy.

Executive 3: Get George Lopez for the FBI guy, itll give us another ethnic group to play with. As far as the lead, what about Jack Black?

Executive 2: Nope, hes too expensive if we want Walken. How about a look-alike?

Executive 1: How about Dan Fogler?

Executive 2: Who?

Executive 3: Yeah, I think he was in that Jack Black movie, School for Scoundrels.

Executive 1: Exactly. See, it works perfectly.

Executive 2: That doesnt even remotely make sense … Jack Black wasnt even in that movie.

Executive 3: Aw, who cares? I want to get home to my family. Just approve it so we can get out of here.

Executive 2: [Sigh] Fine, well greenlight it. Just be sure to throw in some crude humor so that we can get a PG-13 rating; makes the movie seem more legit. Not that it matters, really. I mean, no one goes to the movies on the last weekend of August anyway, right?

Contact the writer at kschramm77@yahoo.com