What so proudly we boast


After ten years as a real estate editor, I have finally had enough.

Oh, no, gentle readersI hasten to assure you I am not at all tired of writing about real estate itself, much less about Realtors. Having previously interviewed movie stars for Hollywood fan magazines, I have come to a simple conclusion: Movie stars are boring, Realtors are fun. They are the ones who are always able to please, amuse and enlighten us, just as we all would love to do. In fact, I have just about decided that I want to be a Realtor when I grow up.

In the meantime, I am rising up against those prudes, those purists, those nit-picking Puritans, those wooden would-be Hemingways, who are attacking our professional vocabulary. No more, they cry, must we depict a house for sale by reporting that the gourmet kitchen boasts granite counters and stainless-steel appliances, or crown molding graces the elegant Colonial living room, or the luxury master bath displays a Jacuzzi whirlpool tub, or even that the glittering crystal chandelier rises about the gleaming hardwood floors in the entrance hall. What would be the opposite, they sneerto say that the kitchen apologizes for old linoleum?

I admit that, at times, my own violet verbiage has left me wondering what kind of a total loser I must be, when my own kitchen counters are, dare I say it, Corian. But I can still say that the kitchen features modern Corian counters, cant I, rather than baldly stating that the kitchen counters are made of it. Not that I have the vaguest idea why granite, marble and Silestone counters outshine the Corian kindor whats wrong with some nice linoleum anyway, especially if you are striving for a retro effect. But those status materials must be something to boast about, or the home seller, Realtor and reporter would not all be doing it.

Whats more, all these adjectives help to bring back the Homeric poetic style, too long gone from fiction. Godlike Achilles, powerful Agamemnon, warlike Menelaus The story would definitely lose something if we just used those unadorned first names. I mean, at the end of a hard days fighting, godlike Achilles almost certainly sank into the ancient equivalent of a Jacuzzi whirlpool bath. Carrying around an adjective like that, you are not merely going to jump into a wooden tub and call it a day. And you would never purchase a palace that had such a humble utility.

Therefore, I utterly refuse to start saying that the kitchen has granite counters, that crown molding appears in the living room, that the crystal chandelier stands above hardwood floors in the entrance hall or that the master bath includes a Jacuzzi whirlpool tub. Lets face it, that would be bor-ing, and it would make the house sound that way, too. Whereas, a house is likely to be pretty exciting if it displays all those, pardon the expression, luxury features. And even if it werentthat gleaming, glittering description would make it seem that way.

The fact is, a home with granite counters, crown molding, crystal chandeliers, hardwood floors and a Jacuzzi tub really does have a lot to, well, boast about. I mean, featuring a Jacuzzi whirlpool tub really does make it a luxury bathroom, right? And I do insist on being accurate about itJacuzzi is a brand name, and if the whirlpool tub does not carry that title, nothing will make me say so. Whirlpool tub or  corner whirlpool tub or even oversized whirlpool tub will simply have to do in those cases, even if I am forced to wonder at what point a tub becomes oversized.

Therefore, wise and gentle readers, I urge your support for my gourmet, elegant, luxury,  glittering, gleaming descriptions. Otherwise, dont blame me if you, and your kitchen, can no longer boast those luxury gourmet granite counters. They would, in fact, become just a place to put your mixing bowls, measuring cups and ingredients. And how could you boast about that?