Ethical Reflections with Rev. Ian Markham: A four-day wedding

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Ethical Reflections with Rev. Ian Markham: A four-day wedding
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By Rev. Ian Markham

On June 1, 2024, Luke Markham was married to Samantha Brooks. It was a poignant, beautiful moment. Our son has found his companion who will journey the joys and challenges of his life.

Now, when Lesley and I were hitched in 1987 in London, the wedding was a 10:30 a.m. chapel service followed by a late lunch in the residence hall where we met as undergraduates of King’s College London. Our departure for our honeymoon was at 4 p.m. We drove out of London that afternoon. It was all over in one day.

Increasingly, one day is no longer the norm. And when you have a son marrying into a family that includes a wedding planner and wedding photographer – Brooks herself – one day was not an option. In our case, festivities started on Thursday with a rehearsal dinner and welcome party. It continued Friday with lawn games at a barbecue restaurant. Then on Saturday, the wedding was at 2 p.m. and was followed by a delightful reception dinner with dancing that went through to 11 p.m. Lastly, there was a wedding breakfast on Sunday morning.

As it happens, four days were perfect. All my siblings live in the United Kingdom, and they appreciated the extended stay. There were 220 guests; four days provided some real time to visit with family and friends. There was a leisurely pace for conversation and connection. But as it happens, in the history of weddings around the globe, four days is much more appropriate than the truncated one-day British wedding.

In India, for example, a typical wedding can last anywhere from three to five days. For Hindus, it is not simply two people making a commitment to each other for the rest of their lives, but a moment when two families are becoming intertwined. And 220 people would be a relatively small wedding; you can have literally thousands of people present. From food to dancing, the occasion is lavish and rich in symbolism. In Morocco, Amazigh – a group indigenous to North African – weddings last three days. On the first day, gifts and attire are received with relatives gathering and singing in preparation. On the second day, the couple meets, and the party starts. On the last day, a lamb is sacrificed and hands are painted with henna.

In the famous wedding attended by Jesus in Cana, the Jewish wedding would have lasted five to seven days. One reason for the crisis around the wine was that the celebration of the wedding would have to stop prematurely. In Judaism, the wedding is the bedrock of family and community. It is a healthy sustained pause for focus in the journey of life.

In India, there are cases of families going into significant debt to fund a wedding that they cannot afford. It is important to remember that a civil wedding in front of a justice of the peace or a judge followed by a lunch at a local Chinese restaurant is just as valid, and can be just as effective, as the five-day affair held in some glamorous location. But for those who do have the resources to make the occasion more elaborate, there is a real joy in doing so.

The key insight one learns from Asian, African and Jewish cultures is that this is not just a decision of two individuals. The extended family and neighborhood want to be part of this momentous change. The marriage will need support: you want everyone around the couple to feel good about the moment. An extended wedding creates the time for the extended families to get to know each other and connect at a deep and significant level.

The wedding is just the start of a marriage. And a marriage will include seasons of joy and challenge. It is a marathon not a sprint. Starting the marathon off with everyone willing the couple the very best is entirely appropriate. So, Luke and Sam. Go for it. And may God bless you every step of the way.

The writer is dean and president of Virginia Theological Seminary.

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